Contrary to popular lore, the space aliens who crashed at Roswell in 1947 weren’t buggy little humanoids; they were more like 8-feet tall, and feathered. “Think of it as a huge garden slug standing erect like a kangaroo, but with muscular bipedal legs, and a long spear-shaped tail,” says John Chalmers, the custodian of state secrets. Unfortunately, all four crew were killed, and their corpses couldn’t be photographed due to their “infrarange luminescence.”
Recovery teams also retrieved a huge crystal from the wreckage, a visual time machine that resolves historical apocrypha with unambiguous imagery. Remember the biblical scripture about Jesus feeding the multitudes with a few loaves of bread and fish? It’s all true — it’s all there in the crystal. They also found alien eggs. Lo and behold, one of the suckers hatched and escaped its quarantine in an underground lab. The hatchling turned out to be shapeshifter that burrowed its way into a 1,500-mile Appalachian fault line, which the feds have engineered into a secret subterranean railway to sustain government functions after a nuclear apocalypse.
By the way, speaking of nukes, in 1958, Capt. Hilton Barlow, skipper of the flattop USS Franklin Roosevelt, dispatched warplanes to confront a UFO that emerged from the Pacific Ocean. Three of the Skyhawks vanished from the radar screen after achieving target lock-on. Barlow counterpunched by firing a 3,000-pound tactical nuke, which destroyed the UFO.
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